Happy 1st Birthday Max!

Happy Birthday, my sweet boy! You have been on the planet for one year today. I remember when you were born, just like it was yesterday. We started off your life in the NICU but you have proven to be the epitome of strength, resilience and joy. As I was feeling emotional this past week about your birthday coming up, I wrote this for you. I will write you a letter each birthday in hopes it brings you fond memories of many of the special moments and milestones in your life. We love you!

This weekend I'll be celebrating the one year birth day of my son. One year ago, I would have never imagined this moment. It'll be a special one. A one that reminds me of that moment-his birth-last year. No mother can ever imagine what that moment will feel like. Especially with a baby who is 2 months early.

This day, one year ago, was full of so many moments. Moments full of fear, uncertainty, anticipation, anger and guilt. I racked my brain wondering if there was a moment I did something wrong. Did I exercise too much, could I have eaten better, was I going to cause my son irreversible damage because of some life choice that I made in the 7 months leading up to this...one.... moment. 

So many moments. The moment when the nurse checking me said "Mrs. Shen, you're going to have a baby tonight." That moment. The one where my OBGYN tells me, "We don't know why this is happening but it is." That moment. The one where the NICU nurse is listing off possible complications to me and my husband while they inject steroids for the baby's lungs into my IV. That moment. When my husband is gripping my hand so hard as if to say, "Can we handle this?" That moment when my husband looks at me and we both have to trust we can. 

They tell me everything will be fine "most likely." That there was nothing different I could have done." My husband looks at me and says, "We got this. Our son will be well. I just know it." It is heart wrenching to think, for one moment, "Do they really believe what they're telling me?" In that moment, I have to will myself to believe.

The anticipation of the big moment. The clock. The doctors congratulating me for each minute I keep my baby in because his lungs can grow and his body can absorb nutrients that he needs.  The realization that these are the last few moments that I will be me, that we will be just "you and me."

The moment they break my water and say, "Ok, let's see what we've got. It's time to have your baby." The moment I realize I have no idea how to do this. The moment after moment during labor when all I can think is, "Will he cry? Please let him cry."  The last push. The last moment before he is in this world and we are called parents. 

That moment. His loud, healthy cry. His beautiful round face, his dark brown hair. The moment I first hold my new son to my chest and my heart explodes and I realize, "I can do this. We can do this. No matter what it takes."  Every moment leading up to this fades away and joy, protectiveness and hope fill my heart. The moment we first call you Maxwell John Shen. The moment when I realize I am so in love with you and I am even more in love with your father. You are and always will be worth every gut wrenching moment. You, my 32 week baby, are my best moment of all moments of every moment.